A small glimpse into my soul:
“Give up everything you have, carry a cross, and hate your family. This sounds a lot different than “Admit, believe, confess, and pray a prayer after me.” ” (from chapter 1 of Radical by David Platt)
I’ve been thinking about what true discipleship really looks like. If I think about what I have given up to “follow” Jesus, up to this point, I can’t really think of anything. As I stated in a previous post, I feel like my heart has been put in a wood chipper and shredded to bits, yet it’s not as detestable a feeling as it may sound (the Christian life is full of “paradoxes” and this is one of them). I’m craving to be sold out, hating myself for making some of the decisions I have in the past and the effect that I see those decisions have on my family. They have been infected with my own materialism, and I don’t know what to do!
To completely candid with you, I even have a fear that if I sell out “too much” it may cost me my family, or my children may walk away from Jesus because their daddy was a fanatic. Yet, no sooner does these fiery darts enter my mind that The Holy Spirit reminds me of His Sovereignty over all things, of Jesus’ words that literally scared people off when He told them to eat His flesh and drink His blood, or to forsake all things and follow Him. The one thing the battle smoke cannot hide is the real issue – do I really believe Jesus is Who He claims to be? If I do, then my obedience to His words is a “no brainer”, for disobedience is not an option.
I’m not talking about taking a week off work for a missions trip where I can come back and tell people quaint stories about how blessed I am to live close to a McDonald’s and how everyone should go on at least one missions trip in their life. I’m talking about a total life renovation! What would my life look like if I were a radical Christian? What would have to change? How would I employ technology, money, home, food, spare time, family time, etc differently than I do now? These questions, and others in the same vein, are what is slicing my heart to pieces. It slices because as much as I would like to put myself in the “radical” category, I cannot do so and be honest. I am no where near the caliber of disciple as Peter, James, John, Matthew, Paul, or Stephen. Quite simply, and very ashamedly, I have offered to The LORD that which costs me NOTHING!
Oh, Father! Please forgive me for being comfortable in an “American Christianity”. Grant me grace, LORD! Work in me the desire to follow You in reckless abandonment, and the will to do it. Turn the hearts of my wife and children to Yourself. LORD, I want us to burn for You with passion. Don’t let this be a brief spark that dies out , but may it be a fire that is kept ablaze by Your Holy Spirit.